


darkling is my day

by wrenrambles



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-20
Updated: 2015-11-20
Packaged: 2018-05-02 13:40:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5250236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wrenrambles/pseuds/wrenrambles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if things had been different?  Circa BtVS Season 3.</p>
            </blockquote>





	darkling is my day

You knock Pete unconscious and leave him for the police to find. He claims insanity and is given 25 years in a psychiatric institute for Debbie's murder. You attend her funeral, stand in the back, think this is altogether too common an occurrence if you have a designated funeral dress and can recite the funeral mass along with the priest.

-  
You stop by the butcher, still in your black funeral dress, but he doesn't seem to notice. Takes your money without comment and you wonder who else walks through these doors if nothing about you, with your nice clothing and carefully done hair, is odd. 

-  
The walk to the mansion has never seemed longer and you can't quiet the memories that put him on the couch, with a book, tending a fire. But he's still manacled when you walk in and he is pulled in on himself, tightly, as if though he's surrounded by people who want to hurt him. 

You think, in a way he is, but you're the only one here. 

-  
If you touch him he emits a keening wail and pulls back so viciously you think the smack of his body against the block is enough to shake the foundation.

He won't calm down until you leave, not that it takes long. You cannot stand to see someone that was so strong reduced to something that it so weak and more to the point, to know you're responsible. 

-  
You're staring at the bracket that the chains are looped over instead of watching him eat because he attacks the plastic like his prey. The metal is old and if he really tries, you would bet he could break it from the wall. You didn't really think about it when you brought him here because in your mind this insanity was fleeting. 

The day you accidentally wake him and he lunges at you so hard the screws creak is the night you steal the tranquilizer gun from Giles' office and reinforce the only thing keeping Angel safe.

-  
Angel twitches when he sleeps, his face twisted in pain and his mouth formed into a silent "o". He doesn't make a sound and you think that somehow, that makes it so much worse.

-  
You break up with Scott. He looks wounded but you can barely keep yourself focused in the conversation enough to offer platitudes. Friends, you both promise, but hollow words ring hollow and you both know it. 

You let your mother continue to think you're dating. You mumble apologies when you come home late every night but she just smiles her forgiveness and you can almost hear her thoughts: Oh, thank goodness Buffy has found a normal life. 

-  
You start talking to Angel. You tell him about how Giles and your mom are acting strangely, and that you think they had sex, and you feel your cheeks flush because you even when if you spend your evenings with this version of Angel he's not the one that visits you in your dreams. Are you selfish, you wonder, keeping him prisoner to fulfill your own need?

What's left of the plastic container spins away from Angel, who stares at you from behind the vampire's golden eyes. You whisper his name and for a second think you see a flash of recognition but then it's gone.

-  
Your grades drop and Giles tells you he's concerned. You nod and say all the right things but you can't bring yourself to focus on equations and sonnets when your world is spinning backwards. Willow invites you to study and you do, because you don't want to look suspicious. 

Xander comes with you on patrol and later you hear him telling Giles that you don't make puns anymore.

-  
You find Spike in the mansion one night after patrol, sitting on the couch and staring at Angel. You wait because from where you're standing it almost looks like Spike is defeated and you simply cannot bear the burden of someone else's pain. But then he stands and you see the stake in his hand and in moments his ashes drift over you like new fallen snow. 

Angel is still save for a tremble he cannot control. You know what you must look like, covered in the ashes of his childe, and you get sick in the bushes on your way out. 

-  
You lose weight you can't afford and stop sleeping. In the end it's what gives you away because you're distracted and don't notice Xander following you. 

They confront you in the library and you cry, realizing later that it's the first time you've felt anything other than numb since you found Angel weeks ago. His suffering builds inroads where previously there were none and you're overwhelmed when Giles says he can help. 

You leave, with your friends by your side, feeling hopeful for the first time since your 17th birthday.

-  
You never saw Faith, not really. You didn't see her loneliness when she arrived, or her need to fit in when you were pulling away. You didn't see her hurt at your rejection, and you didn't understand her anger when you were shutting down. 

You didn't see her outside the doors of library. 

You see her for the first time when you and Giles arrive at the mansion. You see her by the manacles, dangling empty by her side, arms folded and lips painted with the ghost of a defiant challenge. 

You see her and she is the reflection in the mirror, the dark to your light.

She is covered in the ashes of your lover.

-  
Hope, you think, is a myth. 

And darkling is my day.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
